"I had no idea." "I've never noticed anything." "Really? I don't ever see anything." "Do you curse?" "Can't you just....not?" "I bet you took advantage of it in school all the time."
These are some of the most common things said to me when people find out that I have Tourette's Syndrome. Tourette's is seemingly very well known in the public, yet very few people have any genuine grasp on what it actually entails. The vast majority of people assume that it's a disorder that causes people to curse randomly, or maybe make some weird movements with their arms. It is so much more than that.
For me, symptoms came about very early in life, around 3 or 4 years old, although I wasn't diagnosed until I was nearly 13 years old. My worst years were those when I was undiagnosed. Not only were my tics quite extreme and disruptive, but the fact that I had no idea what was going on, let alone my parents or teachers, caused me to stress, which caused the tics to get even worse, so on and so forth in a vicious cycle. In many ways, I became an artist because of my tics. I would channel my excess energy into sketching and doodling endlessly. There is not a single inch of empty space in my notebooks from school because my pen was constantly on the move, half the time not even drawing anything at all. The simple motion of pen on paper was enough to help calm the need to do....something. Anything. Everything.
To be honest though, I got lucky. Maybe because I've lived with them for longer than I can remember, but I was able to teach myself mental exercises to exhibit a degree of control over my tics. They were never ever fully under my control, nor will they ever be, but I was able to direct them at least, to a degree. When people tell me they had no idea I have TS, my response is generally "That's because I have a quarter-centruy of practice ensuring that you don't." I've taught myself to watch people and to catch the tiny little moments they would not be looking at me, when they would look at their phone, when they would blink or sneeze, or look past me or elsewhere. I was constantly on the look out for these minuscule moments to get whatever tic out that I needed to get out.
But I'm not about that life anymore. I am done hiding my tics, especially considering i wasn't hiding them for my own sake, but for other people. I was hiding them so other people wouldn't feel uncomfortable around me. I'm done with that. The Tourette's community is full of wonderful and beautiful souls and it's about time that we celebrate that. I am an artist, I have a voice and it's past due that I use that voice to scream (voluntarily) from the rooftops that we are not ashamed of who we are.
I've titled this piece Mutiny because that is what happens to us on a constant basis. Our brains are quite literally running a mutiny on our body every single minute of every single day of our lives. We are forced to do things that we do not want to do because our brains do not work like they should. We have a neurochemical imbalance. Our brains either produce too much dopamine, or the neurotransmitters are too sensitive to dopamine (there is still a lot of research that needs to happen with TS, it's relatively new.)
And these urges do not just manifest physically and vocally. That's just the tip of the iceberg. The real war happens inside of our brains. The psychological impact of Tourette's is far more powerful than anyone without it realizes. I myself at the age of 27 still continue to have revelations as to just how much this neurological disorder has shaped my life. Just as we have physical and vocal urges that we have to carry out, the same is true of mental thought processes. You know the classic idea of someone telling you not to think of pink elephants, so of course you're going to then think of pink elephants, it's similar to that.
And that's just Tourette's. It's very rare for people with TS to *just* have TS, they usually also have some combination and degree of ADHD, OCD, Depression, Anxiety, are prone to fall somewhere on the Autism spectrum, and a whole range of other neurological and mental disorders.
I apologize that this is quite rambling and all over the place. But i felt it was more appropriate for my writing on Tourette's to be slightly disjointed and stream of conscious, because it is quite representative of how many brain works, jumping from one idea to the next to the next to the next.
In conclusion, to those of you out there that are unfamiliar, please, i implore you, ask questions. The last thing we want is for you to awkwardly pretend like nothing is happening or to make assumptions because you don't want to offend us. No question is too stupid. If you approach us with genuine curiosity, a willingness to listen and learn, and an open heart, chances are that you will make our day. We want to be heard. We want to talk about what we live with. We want to promote education and discussion within the general public. No one is served by hiding away and pretending like it doesn't exist. That is nothing but a disservice to us and to you. Open and honest communication, as in all aspects of life, is key.
#JustKeepTiccing
